I’ve just been reading a letter sent to me from a children’s charity which states that in 2007- 2008, there were 317,526 reports of child abuse and neglect across Australia. There has been a 20% increase in the number of referrals to the charity in the last year.

Statistics like this are horrendous. But do we really understand why this is happening? It is easy to point the finger at parents and caregivers, but that only answers ‘who’ not ‘why’. Caring for our offspring is hardwired into our DNA as it is with all animals, so why then are there so many cases of adults going against the very call of nature? Well, it is absolutely impossible for a fully loving human being to harm someone else, especially their own children. Remember the last time that you felt true love towards someone? Was it possible in that moment for you to intentionally hurt them? Of course not, it simply isn’t possible – a pure heart just loves. However, you may also remember a time when you may have felt hurt, scared or overwhelmed and in that state it was an automatic response to lash out at those who you felt were hurting you. Any form of anger or aggression actually covers over hurt and pain. When we aren’t being fully loving it is simply because we are closed down in some way by pain and its defence systems.

The problem with this is, however, that people don’t understand their own psyches. Taking personal responsibility for your thoughts, feelings and behaviours is day 1 in Personal Development school. Yet for so many people this is a totally foreign concept as they are stuck in blaming and complaining about others as being the cause of their suffering. To realise that all suffering comes from within and can therefore only be solved within is a liberation that sadly only few come to know. Events in themselves don’t mean anything- they just happen. However, it is the meaning that we put on events that determines our response to them. There can be 10 people going through the same experience, but they all react differently to it. Therefore it can’t be the event that causes the problem by itself, because if the event contained an inherent meaning, everyone would respond to it in the same way. As it is our interpretations that then cause our response, the good news is that we are able to change our interpretations, even if we can’t change the events. If we don’t deal with our interpretations they become concretised into beliefs that limit us and cause us to react in the same way over and over again to triggers.

The reason that I’m explaining this is that if these parents even understood this fact- that the cause of their upset came from inside them, from their own model of the world- then they would no longer take their feelings out on their child. If the parents realised that they could be responsible for their own feelings in a healthy way, change their limiting beliefs and learn to deal with challenging situations in a constructive and empowered way, then there is no way that these children would need to go through what they sadly already have.

I’ve been lucky enough to work with many parents and teenagers and am endlessly grateful for the opportunity to assist in transformation that changes people’s futures. I am particularly thankful for a couple of young people that crossed my path. One was a teenager who had attempted suicide twice, been under psychiatric supervision and suffered from bouts of rage and aggression. The other was so withdrawn that she was unable to make eye contact or hardly speak. She was experimenting with different drugs, was very depressed and on the verge of being suicidal. I am absolutely certain that without intervention, the future for these two would have been very unpleasant and probably very short.

Why were these youngsters in this state? Well their stories serve to explain the context. However, what is more important is how they had interpreted their situations and how that had made them feel. One of these girls had been born to a mentally handicapped mother who struggled with looking after her as a baby. Her father left shortly after she was born and was never involved in her life from that point. After a couple of years being badly treated by her mother, her grandmother took the child in and raised her as her own. She had the difficult task of rescuing her granddaughter, while still needing to care for her daughter. She felt incredibly hurt by the fact that neither her mother nor her father could care for her and with a child’s mind she thought that was all because of her. She concluded that she must be inadequate or even hateful, for the two most important people in her life to abandon her. She felt deep resentment and bitterness towards her mother. On top of this her grandmother had an aggressive temper and would often yell and scream at her. She simply shrunk further and further into her shell to avoid it and became more and more insular and dysfunctional.

It took a while but after a number of sessions, this girl started to interact, to talk and then one memorable day she actually made eye contact! She started to be able to tell the difference between her stories about the world and reality. She understood that it was those stories and how she felt about them that caused the negative states she had been in and that she could actually change those stories and choose to draw different conclusions about herself and others. She learnt to stand up for herself and to teach people how to treat her differently. She discovered that there were other options for her future than just hard work and few options. She had never had any kind of goal, because it had never seemed worth it- it wouldn’t happen anyway. However, she started to dream, to believe that what she wanted could actually come about. This young woman was extremely talented and started to realise this and explore the possibilities that could allow her to express these talents.

Opportunities started to come her way and this fuelled her new confidence. Her family described her as a totally different girl who interacted with them in new and open ways. One day she voluntarily went to see her mother after years of estrangement and took her a box of chocolates. Everyone cried – and the gratitude of his family was deeply touching. To know that a difference was made, that a new future was forged, makes everything worthwhile. I just hope that this story will encourage someone out there who knows a sad teenager, or maybe a sad parent to assist them to act and get some guidance. Because change does happen and transformation needs to be our primary goal until as the Buddha said ‘every sentient being is enlightened’ and emotional harmony in our families is restored.